delaying early sex

SOME FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Tell me more about this Delay Idea?

• Delay is about supporting young people to wait till they themselves are genuinely ready for sex, while also giving them information, skills and resources about using condoms, contraception and negotiating safer sex.

• It’s much more than an idea. It’s a research-based proven model to equip and support young people to enable them to make informed choices.

• Research tells us many young people regret and don’t enjoy early sex. This approach looks at ways of helping them meet emotional needs through means other than sex – for example through supportive friendships - until they genuinely are ready for this.

• It’s a way of helping young people decide for themselves whether or not they’re really ready and giving them skills to say no until it’s a positive choice for them.

We’ve got far too much to do already – we can’t do delay as well

• It doesn’t have to be a whole new programme. Sometimes just one phrase or sentence can make all the difference, just saying ‘Remember you’re precious and special’ or asking “Where are you in this?” takes no time at all!

• Often this is about adapting our approach, not doing something entirely new. For example we can put up positive affirmations in clinical settings, give out the RU checklist, introduce staff to some of the ‘lines to take’ or use the friendship quiz with groups of young people.

• If we are committed to the safety and wellbeing of young people we have to do delay work. It doesn’t have to be time consuming or something extra, it can easily be incorporated into everyday working practice

• I understand you’re incredibly pressed for time – but in the long run this should reduce our workload if fewer young people have early sex which they subsequently may regret – or may bring with it other problems such as STIs and unwanted pregnancy.

• Some of the Delay materials – like the RU Ready checklist, or 101 ways of showing someone you love them – could be produced as handouts, or credit cards or laminated posters which you could display in waiting rooms or youth centres or any setting where you work with young people

• If we don’t do this work, we will always be fire-fighting and dealing with the problems caused by early sex, rather than preventing some of these by letting them know they don’t have to have sex till they’re really ready. So it’ll save time in the long run!

Young People are driven by their hormones and they want to have sex – that’s just a fact.

• Just because young people are physically ready, it doesn’t mean they necessarily are emotionally. We need to help them manage difficult or turbulent feelings and take some control of their decisions

• Feeling horny is normal, this doesn’t mean that all young people are having or want to have sex. What delay offers is the skills and confidence to make informed choices about when they are ready to have sex.

• Many young people say they feel under pressure to have sex rather than actually choosing this for themselves – and our approach helps them decide when they’re genuinely ready

• That may well be what they say, but once we know how many young people regret early sex – boys as well as girls – doesn’t that give us the responsibility of letting them know this and giving them the opportunity to think about what they want in their own lives?

• If we buy into the assumption – that all young people want to have sex – we can unwittingly increase the pressure that young people feel to have sex

• Young people also might want to drop out of school, drive someone else’s car, or smoke – and we don’t automatically assume they have to act on this desire. There may be benefits in waiting - so we could ask young people what they think these benefits might be.

This isn’t relevant for my work; the young people I work with are already having sex.

• This isn’t a virginity programme - it’s giving any young person permission to take some time out for themselves and works just as well for young people who’ve already had sex.

• It’s never too late to re-evaluate where they are at – if it’s not right for them or not pleasurable, we can support them in making a different choice.

• It’s not a treadmill – you can get off!

• Lots of young people regret early sex – and for them it’s really important that we help them gain the understanding and skills to say ‘no’ to the pressure they may be under till it feels like a positive decision for themselves.

Delay will just turn young people off and we can’t afford to lose them

• That’s not been the experience of people doing this work. Delay work actually enables us to build stronger relationships with young people and removes the potential for regret, while providing the opportunity to explore what gives them pleasure.

• Delay focuses on giving young people strategies to find out what they themselves think about sex and relationships and to make their own judgements and decisions. That doesn’t sound like a turn-off to me.

• This is an empowerment approach. It works with young people’s needs and concerns, giving them the confidence and skills to take control of their own lives and to resist pressure.

I’m anxious if I do this work that people will think I’m promoting abstinence.

• I appreciate you are feeling anxious however, delay work is not an Abstinence Programme. It’s not about virginity or sex only within marriage - but aims to help young people develop the skills to take control of when they are ready for sex and addresses the importance of safer sex too.

I think it’s patronising to make decisions for young people and to preach

• Don’t underestimate young people. They’re constantly making decisions about sex, often based on misinformation and pressure from peers. Delay aims to give them the awareness, skills and self-esteem to make positive choices for themselves.

• I think it’s quite the reverse – it seems to me to be patronising to think young people aren’t capable of making good informed choices if we give them the necessary tools and awareness to do this.

• The need for this work comes directly from what young people themselves tell us about early sex, lack of pleasure and subsequent regret

• It’s not about telling young people what to do but opening up lots of possible options - not just reinforcing and colluding with the assumption you have to have early sex

• It doesn’t feel patronising to me to offer young people space to reflect on the kind of relationship they want and to discuss their options – it feels vital.

What about the teenage mums I work with? Delay leaves them out completely.

• No it doesn’t- they can take a break. It’s not a treadmill you can get off! Delay can give young parents the skills and confidence to make decisions and reclaim their own lives.

It all sounds very sex-negative

• Research has shown the majority of young people regret early and that this is often not pleasurable for them. Surely that’s sex-negative?

• Delay is about waiting until sex is a genuine choice and the right to pleasure once you are sexually active – so it’s a very sex-positive approach.

It’s young people right to have sex and we shouldn’t tell them not to.

• So do I – but in a way it’s judgemental to make the assumption that all young people want to have sex and are positively choosing to have it. The research based on what young people tell us doesn’t bear that out.

• We know many young people hope having sex will boost their own self- esteem, although the effect is often quite the opposite. A key element of our work is to explore other ways of helping young people to feel good about themselves.

• We totally agree. Delay isn’t telling them not to, but gives them the tools to make their own choice, as to when they are ready.

• That’s right. But young people deserve to have information which may affect their decisions. So we should make sure they know what some of the effects of early sex often are – like subsequent regret and a lack of pleasure and enjoyment.

• Delay work is all about empowering young people to make choices about their lives – and this is a key life skill which equips them to deal with all sorts of issues, not just ones relating to sexual health.

It’s a very mixed message. On the one hand you’re dishing out condoms and on the other hand you’re talking about delay.

• This work is on a continuum. Some young people will decide to delay and others will opt to go ahead and have sex – and for them we want to make sure they have the information and skills to make it safe

• When we give out condoms, we point out the Use By date and make it clear there’s no rush to use them.

• Delay isn’t abstinence- if young people are genuinely ready for sex they have the right to do it safely.

• It is not a mixed message. Ensuring that when young people have sex they know how to make it safe – for example how to access contraception and condoms and how to use condoms correctly - is a key aspect of delay work.

• Giving out condoms is a way of engaging young people- a passport to conversations which can include discussing the RU Ready checklist

• Wherever we are doing condom distribution, it’s important we still talk about choices and support young people’s right to wait till they feel ready for sex.

I believe in a non-judgemental approach to working with young people

• Delay work is all about empowering young people to make choices about their lives – and this is a key life skill which equips them to deal with all sorts of issues, not just ones relating to sexual health.
  

 

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