it's not a treadmill, you can get off

Sometimes we discuss sex as though the only life stages are before and after starting to have it with a partner. This attitude is a real pitfall when working with young people, because it understandably can lead them to assume that once you have started to be sexual with someone else, you always will be. It buys into the old lie that there is no reason not to be sexual.

However, many young people may have sex once or twice or a few times for a whole range of reasons, to see what it’s like, out of curiosity or the desire to get it over with, to prove they are normal and all their ‘bits’ work, to be able to say they have done it or to belong to the gang.

We can let young people know in all the ways we talk with them about sex and relationships that it’s fine to take time out for themselves. This could mean putting sex aside and coming back to it later, once they want to explore this aspect of their experience with a partner they feel sure of and committed to. So starting doesn’t contain an imperative of carrying on. To paraphrase from Mastermind, we can let them know it’s fine to say “I’ve started – but that doesn’t mean I have to finish”.

Working with young people on this, we can ask them to consider all the reasons they might want to take time out from being sexual with someone else, when they have already had sex at least once.

For example, these might include:

• “Because I didn’t like it that much”

• “I don’t want to risk getting pregnant yet – there’s too much else I want to do first”

• “I only did it the first time because I didn’t know how to say no/felt I had to/was pushed into it – and I’m not going to let that happen again”

• “I want to wait for someone who wants me, not just for a sex machine”

• “It’s boring…..”

• “I got talked about afterwards and people shouted “slag”

• when I went past and I hated that”

• “I only did it to tell my friends – and now I have, I don’t want to go on”

• “I want to concentrate on other things – like school work or activities”
  

 

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